happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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