so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
