its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
