so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
