how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
