I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
