I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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