Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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