for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
