i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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