Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
