I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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