The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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