I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
