i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I need moral support for this bender
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
