OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
