Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
