i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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