What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
