My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
