You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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