I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
