You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
