party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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