So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm bleeding and have questions
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