Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
