so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
