Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
