I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
