is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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