I have demons in me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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