Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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