I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
