The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
