My first STD was from a foam party
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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