Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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