and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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