Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
