Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
