i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
