Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
