I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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