why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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