i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
