I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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