Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
