His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
