I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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