I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
