You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
